Typing up these old entries really has made me think. A lot of it makes me cringe or move away from desk saying something to myself like, “stop being stupid.” I try to give my young self the benefit of the doubt. You could not know then what you know now even if someone told it to you. (Foreshadow 2004ish ) You had to go through it. I know how all of the friendships I write about turn out up until this very moment of typing. I can’t know about those that will be rekindled however unlikely in the future.
I think at this age there is little left to learn. I feel I have life figured out pretty much. There is not much in the area of new in life after you live through the life big three, which are ages 18, 21 and 30. Is there? Perhaps as people live longer maybe there is a life late three which would be ages 50, 65 and 100. Perhaps the late three are 40, 50 and 65 seeing is many don’t hit the big 100.
I’ve blabbed enough lets take a look at the dates I’ve typed up.
So we’ve got Wed, June 20th 2001. I’ve been at my friends house since about the 14th of June. I’m force myself realize I write about this RJ guy a lot,
“6th day of writing about RJ: pages 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 4, 3. a lot huh?”
Looking back at this I can see that those few pages of a youthful crush on a friend were nothing compared to the volumes I’d start to write about another guy in just a few short years from then.
The 21st was farmers market. Nothing big happened one of my friends of the time was sad,
“Lisa seemed sad…I gave her a big hug.”
The 24th I’m a hot mess of denial,
“I couldn’t call RJ today. I’m not going to write that. I already have … Oh heck I miss him.”
One of the things I’ve noticed is how much church had a influence on me. I was trying hard to deny everything I felt about the same sex. Being in high school is hard then throwing on top of that trying to change something that is fundamental about yourself. Girl bye!
Ending tonight’s typing session we come to the 26th of June 2001. I write about one of my friend from farmers being at my church and how he was used to me be less then Christian. I was upset with myself for this ability to adapt to different groups of people in my life. I mean let’s not get it twisted no one at church had any delusions I was straight.
At this time in my life I was riding the fence. I loved my church and the people there. I love the community and sense of belonging but to be part of that I would have to give up a key part of myself. Typing up these journals will bring me back to that point in my life where I could not longer ride the fence. I soon would have to decide to commit 100% to either being Christian or gay cause as I would find in the coming years I could not be both.
On that note i’ll end with a little of what I wrote that day pertaining to this struggle I was having,
“I’m so proud of myself also. I washed Satan’s thoughts from my mind. 65%, I’m moving forward…”