19 years ago today, my first heartbreak

“Dear Donte, the reason I act like I don’t like you is because I said I might be gay but I am not.”  – May 21, 1998 | Journal: Titanic

 

So I opened up day one and as usual it greeted me with a message letting me know I had a entry from this day in the past. I opened it and it was from May 21st 1998.

On this I recorded into my journal the pain, anger, and frustration at being dumped.  To this date this is the only break up letter I have ever received.

Damn I was young and it goes without saying inexperienced. One might also say stupid but we shall not  quibble over such things. I bitterly broke the letter down and responded to each part. I can still remember sitting at the kitchen table tears in my eyes as and anger in my spirit as I recorded the letter into my journal.

Looking back I Know it would not have worked at that time. I had so much to learn about me as did he. God he was beautiful. He had this smile that pulled you in and this odd but satisfying since of humor. I can still remember his voice. There was no manual to tell me how to do this relationship thing.

One of the big parts of typing up old journals is realizing you were a different person at the time of writing. I get angry sometimes because then I feel I was not who I should have been but I couldn’t be anything other then who I was.  It scares me because that means I can meet a guy now and like when I was young and lost out to lack of knowledge, now I may lose out due to “being more knowledgeable”.

Think about it. Most interactions I have with people I always have the “I don’t have time for this” card in my back pocket waiting to be like bye. I don’t play games and I have grown to be able to dismiss someone from my life like we never met.  This jaded person i’ve become could keep me from happiness.

This post has become sort of a journal entry. I never intended for it to be this long and while few if any will ever read it I still want to delete it. I won’t though it was a good  unexpected write fulled by Wine and Sigur Ros, Untitled 3. Who knows maybe someone out there can relate.

In closing I am thankful it was him who was the first guy I crushed on hard. I’m also thankful i copied the letter into my journal cause who knows what happened tot he original letter over the years.

Take care everyone and write like you’ll wake up with no memory of your past. <3

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